1/19 Turbulence

Somewhere along the way, I lost my nerve to fly. I am not sure when it all started but these days flying has become an endurance test for me. I used to enjoy the experience and could relax along the way. Now I have to reassure myself with every little bump. In my head I know that I am being irrational...that flying is safer than riding in heavy traffic for instance...but that doesn't calm my jitters once I am aloft.

When we began this whole enterprise in late 2006, one of the things that I knew lay before me was a very long flight to China and back. We envisioned that the return leg would be with an inconsolable infant and I would be embarrased that I couldn't quiet my child. When it became apparent that we would be heading home with a 10 year old, I wondered how I would console a despondent 10 year old for 13 hours who doesn't understand English. As the time for our trip grew nearer, I began to dread the plane ride and wished I could snap my fingers and be there and back again.

When the day finally came in December to fly to Los Angeles, I was too caught up in the details to be concerned about the flight. As it turned out, it was smoothest flight I have been on in years. Not one shudder or bump. Textbook takeoff and landing. It was a pleasant surprise for which I was thankful. By the time we boarded for China, it was 1 am and our weariness helped to quell my nerves. Although sleep was hard to come by, I managed to sleep through some turbulence over night. I remember being in that half awake zone and feeling the bumps but I was able to fall asleep again. This I attribute to the prayers of my family and friends. Thank you.

On Saturday evening, December 29th, we departed Guangzhou for Los Angeles after a long wait at the airport. It was about 10pm local time and our new daughter was on cloud nine. She was literally bouncing up and down and holding our hands as we took off. All the wonder of air travel was hers for the first time. For my part, I was calm and getting us on board and settled in for the overnight flight was enough to distract me.

About three hours in, we ran into turbulence. I felt the shudders and watched the bulkheads shimmy and shake as we hit bump after bump. It was around 1 am and we were just east of Japan. I suppose it was no different than hitting turbulence somewhere east of Toledo but it sounds more dramatic to say it was in the middle of the night somewhere near Japan thousands of feet about the dark Pacific.

There I was fighting against the desire to panic and trying to put the turbulence into perspective. The plane wasn't going down, we were OK but I was slowly becoming scared to death. First one bump, then two, then a hundred...it went on and on and on. Two hours of turbulence. Not the roller coaster type drops that put a lump in your throat but the constant bump, jostle and shake that unnerves the nervous. Sitting over the wings, I could hear the engines groan and surge as the pilot maneuvered in the chop. It was not unlike riding down a washed out dirt road for hours on end. As the turbulence worsened, I tightened my seat belt and reached out to secure Jen's. There she was...sound asleep...her soul at rest and on the way to America and her father is torn up with anxiety. I held onto her tight and grabbed my wife's hand and asked, "Are you afraid?" and she replied, "A little".

Somewhere in mind came the lyrics to a song that goes something like...sometimes He calms the storm and sometimes He calms His child. Well I wasn't interested in being consoled...I just wanted it to stop. Every time when I thought we were through it would start all over again. White knuckled and waiting for the big drop that would put me into orbit, I clutched my armrest and Jen as we bounced along back home. Perhaps on a flight in the US the captain would have come on to say that he was looking for smoother air and he hoped to get out of this soon. I liken it to riding a horse bareback who is galloping back to the barn. We were on a beeline for Los Angeles and apparently the fastest way there was straight through all of the turbulence.

I guess it was no coincidence that the "what have we done" question popped up in the middle of all of this. I mean I am basically becoming scared to fly and here I am on a long haul flight with another flight waiting for me LA. The child we were bringing home was not a "little" bundle of joy but a 10 yr old who was stretched out across us and three seats long. No more translator, no more hotel living and relaxing in Guangzhou. We were headed home to our new, unknown life to raise a child that we could only communicate with on a very basic level. My wife was having the "what have we dones?" as well. Together with the "what were we thinking?" and the turbulence, it was a just a little overwhelming.

After a while, I realized we were not going to fly out of this and it was just going to go on and on. Kristy said this would be quite a way to end things....flying to China, adopting our daughter and going down on the way home. It is the risk you take, of course. We set out to do what we think we are supposed to do never really knowing how it will turn out. My wife and I graduated with a young man and he died on his way home from our graduation. Years of preparation and struggle ended just when you thought it should be beginning.

I was praying that angels would bear up that aircraft through the storm...not a storm outside but a storm within me. It helped to think about standing in the line at immigration in Los Angeles and imagining that we were there and not in the plane anymore. I was wondering how I could fly again to China someday and just wishing I could rent a car in LA and drive us back to Texas.

Of course, our flight made it in and after a long wait we flew uneventfully across the night to Houston. Back to earth once more. Wishing that I could somehow skip the flying for a while at least but knowing there are flights that I have to keep and as Robert Frost said, "and miles to go before I sleep."

I hope that the providence of God carries us to the open door of an orphanage in China again some day. It is worth whatever it takes to change one child's life. Turbulence and all. And from everything we've seen from Jen so far, she's glad we crossed the ocean that was between us.