3/14 Three months and counting

It's been a great ride so far!! -- Houston Rodeo - March 15, 2008


On Monday, March 17th, it will be exactly 3 months to the day that we first met Jen.

That was a monumental day for the three of us. Since then, a lot has happened and I thought I would take some time to reflect on where we've come since then. This will serve as our "State of the Union" address for the first 3 months.

1) We have mostly good days.

The good days are very good. So very good. Sometimes we have bad days and we struggle through those. I don't want to strive with my daughter and it hurts, of course, when there are problems. It was part of counting the cost in all of this.

As parents we are on the learning curve and Jen is too. We know the heartaches are worth it because we can "see" the future in our mind's eye. Overall, things are fantastic all things considered. Jen has a bright future because God has His hand upon her. She will have to struggle through things for a time and face the sorrows of her past. She is coping exceedingly well. I would not do as well. She is a smiler.

In many ways, this is all so very new and we are all adjusting at every moment. Three months ago, our daughter was an orphan in China -- speaking Cantonese & Mandarin, living with many other children, scrambling for attention and hoping someday for a better life.

Today she is an American citizen, living in a faraway country, speaking a new language in a new culture with new food and new expectations. She lives with two people that she is getting to know who don't look or act like her. It is all so stunningly wonderful, beautiful and overwhelming.

2) My wife is home schooling Jen

this seems to be the best answer to her current emotional and academic needs. It is difficult to get a true assessment of where she stood academically in China in relation to her peers (at the orphanage) and to other students her age and in her class. We expect that she did not have much individual attention with her homework in China. As a result, she probably lagged behind other children. We are thankful that she was in a public school in China. That served to provide her with a sense of normalcy and exposed her to life outside the orphanage. We were told that some or many orphanages do not have the opportunity to send their children to public school. Jen was blessed with that experience.

We didn't expect to receive such support for homeschooling Jen. We are taking it as further confirmation that we are doing the best thing for her at the moment.

3) We've left the training wheels behind

Jen and others had access to bikes in the orphanage but they had training wheels. I tried to help her ride but she kept falling and I didn't know why -- until she told us the bike in Zhuhai had 4 wheels. Eager to preserve her dignity, I wanted to bypass the training wheels here. So we tried a few times with little success. Then yesterday, on a day that I really needed some good news, we tried again and Jen rode on her own for 3 or 4 blocks. Just a few more times and I think she'll have it. That was such a victory after some rocky days this week.

4) Jen is talking to friends from China

So far, Jen has talked to two of her friends from the orphanage who recently arrived in the US. They talk in Cantonese and have a lot to share as you can imagine. We are hoping for a reunion sometime in the future. We hope they will stay in touch. It is important for them to have as much support as they can. They are in a unique situation that few can relate to.

5) Her English is improving

Three months in, we are having mini-conversations in English. When it is important, we talk to her as best we can in Mandarin. When possible, we say it twice -- in Mandarin then in English. Kristy uses the translator a lot and that has been a big help. In time, Jen will be able to use the translator as well. Jen knows several hundred words by now and she is confident about the things she knows like greetings and nouns around the house. "Pickle" is the new important word these days. She is picking up on phrases like "excuse me" and "bathroom" as well. It took almost 3 months to get her to say "bathroom". Fitting I guess --- in China, on the first night, one of the first things we said to her in Chinese was "Do you need to use the bathroom?" We were happily amazed then when she shook her head affirmingly and went to the bathroom. I didn't think it would take 3 months to get that one down but we had more important fish to fry :)

Jen is beginning to recognize words on TV and in our speech. Sometimes she recognizes written words as well on TV, etc. Between flashcards, school work, TV, conversation and shopping etc, she is beginning to fit it all together. There will probably be an English explosion by late spring/early summer and then we will be off and running.... We have so much to talk about. How about...what have you been doing the last 10 years??

6) Discipline is difficult

Finding the appropriate discipline is hard. Most of what we typically think of relates to depriving a child of something or making them suffer some sort of consequence. Orphans know suffering, pain and loss quite well. They know isolation and loneliness. They know deprivation and loss in a way that no child should ever know. So telling a child that their behavior is going to "cost" them something has little effect.

Our daughter is a survivor. Emotionally battle hardened. She has taught herself not to be afraid. She has taught herself to not let things hurt her. She has a little rhinoceros hide that she deploys when needed.

What my wife and I are helping her to do is to "stand down". The war is over. She doesn't have to be a little warrior anymore. Like a battle weary soldier fresh home from the war, Jen sometimes doesn't know how to live in a "normal" world. Outside the orphanage, there is a different ethic that prevails. She is free to be a little girl again (or to learn to become one). The survival of the fittest mentality got her through 10 years and now she has to lay it down. And she is making progress.

We look forward to the day when the little rhino hide is just a memory...like her days without a family...just a memory.

7) Jen is a beautiful person

Jen is beautfiul inside and out. You ought to see her when she is praised. She bubbles over. We look forward to the future -- to the bright future that awaits her. She has made it through the rain and now she is learning to live in the sunshine.