A Cantonese Waltz

Dancing to "The Tennessee Waltz" in Five Ram Park, Guangzhou, China
December 21, 2007

In the days after we met Jen back in December, we saw the sights of Guangzhou, China including Five Ram Park. There, under the trees on a pleasant morning, local couples gathered to celebrate the simple pleasure of dancing with their sweetheart. The familiar refrain of "The Tennessee Waltz" wafted across this hillside retreat and I was reminded once again that people are the same all across the world. On that day, Chinese men and women of a certain age forgot their troubles and enjoyed the lilting rhythms of a song that came from far away -- sung with an unmistakable country twang. The scene could have just as easily been somewhere in the American South. I felt privileged to watch -- it called to mind memories of a simpler time.

These days, my daughter and I are dancing, too. Or rather I am teaching her to dance. Not a literal dance, mind you, but the dance of life. This ten year old who has come into our life needs to learn so much -- and we have so little time to teach her. We have begun the dance in earnest but some days we don't know where to start or what to work on next. This dance demands great care -- she must learn and we must teach her but the how and the when are as important as the steps themselves. My daughter and I -- we have learned some steps together so far but sometimes, no often, she steps on my toes. And sometimes I step on hers. Let me explain.

We were on a return flight from North Carolina and we missed our connection in Charlotte. The replacement flight found us scattered between seats on a full plane. I boarded first and waited for Jen and Mom to follow. Jen reached me and I told her to sit in the seat in the next row diagonally from me. She refused and walked past several rows. I called to her to sit and was again rebuffed. By then, a log jam of people was forming in the aisle behind and I told her more sternly to sit. By then, Kristy and a stewardess became involved and Jen was told to sit beside me in the exit row. Once seated, the stewardess would switch folks around and get Jen out of the exit row and seated with her mother. As Jen walked into my row, she looked at me in frustration and said, "Don't do that!" and then with a look I had not seen before she said "Scared!". Suddenly, I got it. I was asking too much for her to sit by a stranger in unfamiliar circumstances and away from us. Daddy had blown it. I was expecting compliance when I should have been interceding for her instead. Our little independent Cantonese girl needed me to see that but I didn't. Instead, I embarrassed and scared her. I had stepped or rather stomped on her toes. Happily, she was soon re-seated beside Momma in the back of the plane and the moment was forgotten.

Jen steps on our toes a lot. Showing respect is an ongoing problem and from our conversations with other parents we understand this is a common issue. There are times when we could spend all day long calling her down. Effective discipline is built upon respect and that respect can be hard to come by. At some level I get what is going on. I am her father on paper but not in her heart -- at least not yet. I am Daddy but what is a daddy after all but a name if you have never had one or known what a daddy is supposed to do or be? She doesn't get the fundamental distinction between parent and child. She hasn't grasped that parents and children are not equals. She doesn't understand that her parents have authority over her so they can show her how to live...how to dance the dance of life. It can be exasperating at times -- I love to joke with Kristy that if I had tried some of the things growing up that our little one has tried I would have been a greasy spot. Of course, I have to put it in perspective...she hasn't had the benefit of all those years of learning the do's and dont's of life. So, we find ourselves trying to roll with the punches, or should I say pinches (as in, she pinches a lot) and hold her accountable for the things which are universally wrong. The rest, the finer points of culture, such as not putting your feet on Daddy's back and pushing him out of bed...the rest she will learn in time.

This dance has to be taught so delicately and so expertly. We were called to raise Jen but we didn't come pre-equipped with years of parental experience to do it. As we teach her the dance, we have to get the timing just right. If we teach her too fast, it becomes frustrating -- too many steps and too many moving parts -- it's overwhelming to her. If we teach her too slowly, we will run out of time before adulthood comes. We have to press but press delicately and just enough to get her to learn more and more each day. Sometimes we whirl and sometimes we stumble but we are dancing.

We know that some day Jen will have to dance on her own. That day is coming sooner than we would like. We'd like to steal back the lost years but neither we nor she can go back to Zhuhai and get them. But somehow, in the years which lay ahead, God will give her feet all the grace she needs to dance the dance. We wish you could see it up close...it is amazing to watch even though it tries our patience at times.

To my wife, I want to say that Jen doesn't know what a sweetheart she got for a mother. What she really needed most in this life was for someone to love her and I know that you do. And one day, she will rise up and call you blessed...because you saved her in all the ways that a child can be saved by a momma in this world.

Goodnight, we've got to get back to dancing...