3/14 Three months and counting

It's been a great ride so far!! -- Houston Rodeo - March 15, 2008


On Monday, March 17th, it will be exactly 3 months to the day that we first met Jen.

That was a monumental day for the three of us. Since then, a lot has happened and I thought I would take some time to reflect on where we've come since then. This will serve as our "State of the Union" address for the first 3 months.

1) We have mostly good days.

The good days are very good. So very good. Sometimes we have bad days and we struggle through those. I don't want to strive with my daughter and it hurts, of course, when there are problems. It was part of counting the cost in all of this.

As parents we are on the learning curve and Jen is too. We know the heartaches are worth it because we can "see" the future in our mind's eye. Overall, things are fantastic all things considered. Jen has a bright future because God has His hand upon her. She will have to struggle through things for a time and face the sorrows of her past. She is coping exceedingly well. I would not do as well. She is a smiler.

In many ways, this is all so very new and we are all adjusting at every moment. Three months ago, our daughter was an orphan in China -- speaking Cantonese & Mandarin, living with many other children, scrambling for attention and hoping someday for a better life.

Today she is an American citizen, living in a faraway country, speaking a new language in a new culture with new food and new expectations. She lives with two people that she is getting to know who don't look or act like her. It is all so stunningly wonderful, beautiful and overwhelming.

2) My wife is home schooling Jen

this seems to be the best answer to her current emotional and academic needs. It is difficult to get a true assessment of where she stood academically in China in relation to her peers (at the orphanage) and to other students her age and in her class. We expect that she did not have much individual attention with her homework in China. As a result, she probably lagged behind other children. We are thankful that she was in a public school in China. That served to provide her with a sense of normalcy and exposed her to life outside the orphanage. We were told that some or many orphanages do not have the opportunity to send their children to public school. Jen was blessed with that experience.

We didn't expect to receive such support for homeschooling Jen. We are taking it as further confirmation that we are doing the best thing for her at the moment.

3) We've left the training wheels behind

Jen and others had access to bikes in the orphanage but they had training wheels. I tried to help her ride but she kept falling and I didn't know why -- until she told us the bike in Zhuhai had 4 wheels. Eager to preserve her dignity, I wanted to bypass the training wheels here. So we tried a few times with little success. Then yesterday, on a day that I really needed some good news, we tried again and Jen rode on her own for 3 or 4 blocks. Just a few more times and I think she'll have it. That was such a victory after some rocky days this week.

4) Jen is talking to friends from China

So far, Jen has talked to two of her friends from the orphanage who recently arrived in the US. They talk in Cantonese and have a lot to share as you can imagine. We are hoping for a reunion sometime in the future. We hope they will stay in touch. It is important for them to have as much support as they can. They are in a unique situation that few can relate to.

5) Her English is improving

Three months in, we are having mini-conversations in English. When it is important, we talk to her as best we can in Mandarin. When possible, we say it twice -- in Mandarin then in English. Kristy uses the translator a lot and that has been a big help. In time, Jen will be able to use the translator as well. Jen knows several hundred words by now and she is confident about the things she knows like greetings and nouns around the house. "Pickle" is the new important word these days. She is picking up on phrases like "excuse me" and "bathroom" as well. It took almost 3 months to get her to say "bathroom". Fitting I guess --- in China, on the first night, one of the first things we said to her in Chinese was "Do you need to use the bathroom?" We were happily amazed then when she shook her head affirmingly and went to the bathroom. I didn't think it would take 3 months to get that one down but we had more important fish to fry :)

Jen is beginning to recognize words on TV and in our speech. Sometimes she recognizes written words as well on TV, etc. Between flashcards, school work, TV, conversation and shopping etc, she is beginning to fit it all together. There will probably be an English explosion by late spring/early summer and then we will be off and running.... We have so much to talk about. How about...what have you been doing the last 10 years??

6) Discipline is difficult

Finding the appropriate discipline is hard. Most of what we typically think of relates to depriving a child of something or making them suffer some sort of consequence. Orphans know suffering, pain and loss quite well. They know isolation and loneliness. They know deprivation and loss in a way that no child should ever know. So telling a child that their behavior is going to "cost" them something has little effect.

Our daughter is a survivor. Emotionally battle hardened. She has taught herself not to be afraid. She has taught herself to not let things hurt her. She has a little rhinoceros hide that she deploys when needed.

What my wife and I are helping her to do is to "stand down". The war is over. She doesn't have to be a little warrior anymore. Like a battle weary soldier fresh home from the war, Jen sometimes doesn't know how to live in a "normal" world. Outside the orphanage, there is a different ethic that prevails. She is free to be a little girl again (or to learn to become one). The survival of the fittest mentality got her through 10 years and now she has to lay it down. And she is making progress.

We look forward to the day when the little rhino hide is just a memory...like her days without a family...just a memory.

7) Jen is a beautiful person

Jen is beautfiul inside and out. You ought to see her when she is praised. She bubbles over. We look forward to the future -- to the bright future that awaits her. She has made it through the rain and now she is learning to live in the sunshine.

2/29 Southern Illinois Artisans Center

On our 2008 journey southward through Illinois, we stopped by to visit the Southern Illinois Artisans Center. An enjoyable stop in and of itself, the center holds a special meaning for Kristy and I. Here is the story...

In June of 2006, I drove the long trek from Texas to Wisconsin alone while Kristy had gone ahead before me. She was relocating her mom back to their hometown and I was following in a truck with her things. I stopped in this beautiful center which has a shop of arts and crafts made by artisans across the state. With beautiful pottery and artwork of all descriptions, it is a nice place to stop along I-57 to stretch your legs. At the time, I hoped that I could one day show Kristy the center but knew it would be sometime before we passed this way again.

The Artisans Center would figure prominently in our story just a few months later... It was Thanksgiving 2006 and we were again making the long drive up to visit with family for the holidays. We stopped in the center and Kristy enjoyed seeing the handthrown pottery. But what caught our eye that November were two stuffed animals: a horse and a bear. The horse was so cutely made and complete with a mane, reins and bells in the bridle. By now, we were considering the prospect of adoption very seriously but had taken no action in that direction. The only tangible action we had taken to that point was to have a stump removed in the backyard. We were having a tree removed and I thought grinding up a nearby stump would make for a nicer backyard in case we ever adopted.

Well, we couldn't take our eye off of the stuffed animals and decided to buy them. There we were, a couple with no children in sight, buying presents for a child that we didn't have. In fact, although we had discussed it many times, we had no idea when or if we would adopt. In early December, a local agency would be holding an adoption seminar and we planned to attend but that was the extent of things. As we put the animals in the car and set off north, little did we know that we would soon be submitting our adoption application. And, in little more than a year from then, we would be returning to this very spot with our adopted 10 year old from China.


Jen and Kristy posing with the metalwork dog band on exhibit at the center in February 2008. This was just 15 months after our visit in November 2006 right before it all began

2/29 Reunion in Amish country

If you have been following Jen's story, you may remember that she was in a group of 11 girls from the same orphanage who were in the process of being adopted to American families. One of first families to adopt from Zhuhai set up an Internet support group. In June 2007, we found the group and began to meet adoptive families from across the States. Before long, parents began to surface who were adopting girls the same age as Jen. We pieced together pictures and stories and began to match faces from old photos to referral pictures. When we met Jen, the vice director of the orphanage gave us pictures of the 11 girls and told us they were coming to America. That was a joyous realization. Suddenly names of girls that had been swirling in our heads came to us as we looked at the picture of the 11 girls. We had met a number of their parents over the Internet. Jen was a part of a little wave of girls who grew up together and were now leaving for America over the coming months.

After coming home in late December, we were anxious for the next family to return home so Jen could be in contact with someone else from Zhuhai. A family from the Midwest came home and we were elated to have the chance to meet them on our journey to Wisconsin.


It was a beautiful day in the little town of Arcola, Illinois that we met with Alison and her parents, Lynn and Brenda. It wasn't long before the girls began to talk over breakfast. We enjoyed sharing the moment with our friends and were honored to meet another family who had adopted a child from the same orphanage. The girls have apparently known each other all of their lives. How strange it must have been for them...reunited in another time and in another place, amidst the snowy fields of Illinois with their new families. We saw a smile creep out over sausage and our Jen was eager to chat about who knows what. A little snowball fight broke out before we left and Jen gave chase after her younger "sister". We hope that these connections will be precious to Jen in the days that are to come. We admire Lynn and Brenda for their willingness to follow God and love a child who was in need. We have such bright hopes for Alison and all of Jen's sisters and brothers from Zhuhai.

May their testimony one day be that someone chose to love them and gave them the gift of adoption which altered the entire course of their lives.

May their days be long upon earth.

2/28 Kenosha

Jen, Momma and the family mascot McDuff in Pennoyer Park beside Lake Michigan - Feb 2008

We arrived in Kenosha, Wisconsin which is a very pleasant town on the southwest shore of Lake Michigan. There was plenty of snow on the ground and the bitter cold weather added just the touch to make it an other worldly experience for Jen. She lived in a very warm coastal city of southern China and had never seen snow or been in weather like that. We went to introduce Jen to her extended family -- her very first relatives.

Most of my wife's family still lives in her hometown and our trips back are filled with memories of pizza and family gatherings and visits to the lighthouses along the lake. On Sunday afternoon after we arrived, the assisted living facility where my mother-in-law resides hosted a Winter Wonderland dance. It was a very nice occasion and the music brought smiles to many faces. Of course, it wouldn't be Wisconsin unless they played the Bunny Hop and a polka. We were not disappointed.

The Parham clan gathered for a group shot at the dance. We were only missing one of Kristy's siblings. We missed you, Aunt Laura!

Of course, mission no. 1 was to introduce Jen to her grandmother (Chinese: lao lao). We had talked for weeks about her lao lao and they finally met. We went out for a nice lunch and the girls posed for a photo.


My daughter and I got to play checkers by the fireplace. It felt so normal to be there with her. It is unusual for me to relax and an enjoy a chance like that. That was a special moment.




Jen made friends with her cousins -- they were so sweet to her. We are thankful there are still some close to her age. My wife and I are both the youngest in our families and so most of the cousins are already grown.

Lexie and Jen all dressed up for the dance

Going to visit her cousins

Danny, Jen, Maddie and Cullie

Jen and cousin Lexie at her brother's choir concert

It wouldn't be a family outing unless McDuff somehow was involved. On the way home, we stopped in Amish country again and found fresh fallen snow. McDuff always likes to explore new places

2/26 Toward the snowy lands of Wisconsin

Jen beside Paddock Lake - Feb 2008

February brought the long awaited trip to Wisconsin to introduce Jen to my wife's family. Still in the dead of winter, we had to shift our plans to dodge the snow storms that were passing through just before Valentine's Day. With the car all packed and the family dog geared up for the long ride, we headed north from the 70 degree Texas weather for Wisconsin. We were doubly excited because we anticipated meeting one of Jen's friends from the orphanage who had recently arrived in America. That family lives in the Midwest and so we hoped to have a reunion of sorts for the girls.

We planned to meet just north of Illinois' Amish country but had to postpone until the return leg of the trip. The change in plans afforded us some time to ride through the countryside and enjoy the Amish homes and carriages. If you ever find yourself passing through eastern Illinois along I-57, bless yourself with a detour from the interstate and stop in downtown Arcola for a bite to eat. It is a small town America at its best. We had breakfast and bought a freshly baked black walnut angel food cake to celebrate our arrival with the family.



Not long afterward, I stood by the counter at the gas station considering how best to protect the cake in the back seat for the last few hours of our journey. I considered asking the cashier for a box thinking that was the most reasonable course of action to prevent an accidental squishing. I passed on the box idea and headed back to the car with Jen. My wife had walked the dog then left the cake unguarded in the car. Our beloved Scottish terrier, though blind and unsteady in his golden years, had managed to find his way from the back seat and across the console to the front seat. There before him waited what now amounted to a birthday cake for his party of 1. I opened the door to find him and half the cake gone. He had deftly negotiated his way through the plastic wrap and was waist deep in what was certainly a very fine cake. I was crestfallen and disappointed that the cake had lasted about one hour. I suppose in the years to follow it will make for a good story. McDuff, our dog, by the way, sends his compliments to the chef.

2/26 Thank you to all our readers

I wanted to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has followed our story on the blogs over the past months. From time to time, I still hear of someone who is following along or has shared some aspect of our story with someone else they know. We are touched that you care enough to follow the life of our daughter. Until this all began, there were few who knew or cared about her. Thanking you for caring in so many ways and for all the prayers and kind words.

In the movie Shadowlands, the character of C.S. Lewis utters the words, "We read to know that we are not alone". In many ways, I have been writing this blog so that I wouldn't keep all my thoughts and feelings inside. I have wanted to share so much as my life has been so radically changed by all of this.

A friend recently gave my wife and I a book entitled "Fields of the Fatherless" as a gift to commemorate our adoption. We took it with us on our journey to Wisconsin. As we passed through the fields of central Illinois, Kristy began to read the cover. We didn't make it past the cover without crying. Adoption has become such a precious thing to us that it is hard to think about it without shedding tears.

We hope to walk again through the fields of the fatherless and gather others who are still waiting for a momma and a daddy. It is a journey worth taking... those are the fields that I would like to walk through for the rest of my life.

2/13 Chinese New Year

Jen was able to participate with her Chinese school classmates in the Chinese New Year celebration.



She was excited to be in a familiar environment for a few hours. We are off to the frozen tundra of southern Wisconsin where Jen will see snow for the first time.

Have been thinking about Blue Footed Booby birds these days. They are a beautiful tropical seabird with bright blue webbed feet. One ended up on a boat dock near Austin, Texas in the 1990s and birders from all over came to see the unusual sight. No doubt blown off course by some tropical storm, this little bird was a great delight to all who saw it. Our little Jen is a curiousity of sorts to those around her. She is precious and beautiful and a delight. We don't understand why the storms of life blow but are grateful that our little storm tossed bird landed where she did.